This Is What Winning Looks Like

At the end of 2019, my son and I had family photos taken by an immensely talented photographer and artist from Fort Wayne. We spent an entire Saturday out in the cold posing and switching outfits. Fast forward a couple of weeks, and I get the photos from the photographer. They were almost perfect. The set and setting were exactly what I had wanted, the outfits were a vibe, and we both looked genuinely happy. I'm scrolling through the digital files when I stop on a photo of us sitting in a chair in a graveyard. I remember thinking, "I don't even look like me."

The moment of insecurity passed pretty quickly, and I carried on with our lives. A couple of months would pass, and I came down with what I thought was the flu. At the time, I was managing an extensive rental portfolio, and calling out for illness wasn't even an option. My community in Elkhart was STRUGGLING. My construction crews were almost two months behind schedule; it was my first winter with that subpar infrastructure, and I couldn't keep my staff on task due to the constant water leaks and shutdowns of the sewer treatment plant.

If you've ever been responsible for a large construction project that's doing everything but going the way you want it to, you know it can be emotionally charged. People are defensive, everyone blaming someone else. Materials are shorted or stolen. Trash is piling up in a very this-is-going-to-be-an-Indiana-health-code-violation kind of way. I can remember having to leave the property to gather my thoughts and lower my blood pressure. I can remember thinking, "I am going to have a stroke if I don't get this under control." My chest was still rattling from the "flu" that I had never gotten over.

I knew a diet was not what I wanted, but I desperately needed to get some weight off. After pondering the issue for a couple of weeks, I decided to make a gradual lifestyle change instead of attempting a complete overhaul all at once. I knew it would never last if I changed too much at once. So with that mindset, I set out to find a way to live a healthier life without feeling like I was living on a "diet". I began with two simple steps: one, I would incorporate a weekly physical activity, and two, I would become more mindful of my nutritional intake. I needed a weekly group class first. I had always used the Mindbody platform for booking beauty services and found that it also hosted "fitness" businesses.

What's more, there was a yoga studio just ten minutes from my home, and yoga had been recommended to me for years because of my PTSD diagnosis. I signed up for a "yogalicous" class at 7:30 am on a Saturday. I thought yoga would be a gentle way to find myself again and prepare me for a "real" workout. I arrived, and the yoga studio was an addition behind a residential home. I almost turned around and left, but instead, I waited until the class was just about to start and then sneaked in, taking the mat that was closest to the door, just in case they were crazy and I needed to make a swift exit.

May the official record reflect that the instructor is indeed a little crazy, but in the very best of ways. The class was not named well. "Yogalicous" does not accurately portray the vibe of a 90-minute Saturday class at The Breathing Room Wellness Center. A better name would have been "Remember to breathe while I stand you on your head and tell you to contort in ways that your brain cannot compute". I spent 90 minutes fighting for my life, hoping no one could tell that I was dying, and just as I thought it was about to be over, the instructor announced it was time for headstands. I was 270 pounds at 5'4', and as round as I was tall. These facts did not slow down the instructor for even a minute. She made a beeline towards me, looked me in the eye, and said, "Come on, I'll help you. You can do this". She then picked me up by my ankle and put me into a headstand. I thought my head and neck were going to explode, but she was right, I was able to do it, not well, but I could do it. So much for a gentle start back to myself. So much for yoga being a relaxing stretch. I began attending, or at least trying to attend, once a week.

Vickie [the owner/operator] of The Breathing Room is now one of my dearest friends. She has challenged me in ways I cannot put into words. She has helped me grow physically and mentally through my practice at her studio. I often reflect on the role she has played in my journey of self-discovery over the past six years. She continuously supports me and is always teaching new adaptations. I have never before adhered to a methodology for such an extended period, and I have no intention of ever stopping.

Yoga has benefited my body in many physical ways; I am stronger, more flexible, and utilize bone stacking throughout my life. Yoga has also helped heal my mind and soul. PTSD can be treated with Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), a structured, evidence-based approach that teaches skills to regulate emotions and cope with distress. Yoga became a way for me to practice those skills physically. The breathwork combined with movement made the most significant impact.

What is the point of this blog post? Well, if I can make it, so can you. Six years ago, PTSD was running my life. I was morbidly overweight and miserable. I was working 70 plus hours a week, a single parent, and deeply unhappy. I wish I could give you a magic map that would put your life in order and bring you to your most authentic self, but it doesn't work that way. My life has been carved out by thousands of minuscule decisions over many years. Yes, the years of DBT helped, and yes, the years of yoga have helped, but there are hundreds of contextual factors that impacted my life as well.

So if you're sitting in a life that doesn't "fit". Perhaps instead of trying to pull off a TLC-level 24-hour makeover, you could make one small change. One small step in the direction of the life you want to be living. One group class a week. Learn to log your nutrition without shame and judgment: one walk, one class, one meal at a time. If you focus on the single step in front of you instead of the steps ahead, you will find that you are more than capable of living your dream. It just doesn't happen overnight. I'm six years in and I still carry too much body fat, but it's significantly better. Six years ago, I got out of breath playing ball with my son; now he asks me to slow down so he can keep up. The change you seek may not arrive at your front door as quickly as you want it to, but that may be the underlying lesson. Discipline and consistency develop us as people far better than instant gratification. I value my time studying, lifting, and in the studio because I understand the long-term benefit. Thank god there wasn't an easier way to become this version of myself.